Do you yell at your kids and then feel guilty?

As the period of confinement lengthens, the spirits at home are more heated. Combining teleworking with kitchen, cleaning, school and amusement park tasks has not been easy from the beginning and day after day the feeling of overload is increasing.

It is difficult to stay focused when, to the already demanding task of organizing family logistics, there is a concern for health and the economy or the uncertainty of when and how this will end. And all this in the small space of a home that we now perceive full of people and where finding a moment for ourselves involves shutting ourselves in the bathroom and closing the latch. They don't always make it easy!

"With this panorama it is not surprising that from time to time, much more often than we would like, the outbursts of anger are directed at the smallest of the house."

Let's see, they earn it… they don't stop talking, they seem to be in the clouds, they never pay attention, they enjoy making love with each other and wherever they go they sow chaos. These are generally we do...

Explode ... and feel guilty 

And when you have already spoken, explained, reasoned, repeated and repeated the same thing over and over again without, apparently, no result, comes the scream, the anger, the door slam or the super-punishment.

And you are an erupting volcano without any control. And after a while, of course, you recognize that you have passed, that it was not so bad, but it is that ... and guilt comes. The feeling that you should be doing better but it doesn't work. So I'm going to give you some guidelines for trying to handle conflict in a somewhat healthier way.

Admit the problem 

The first of all is to call a family reunion and calmly explain the problem: the situation is getting longer, you are all tired, nervous and somewhat sad and lately you feel that the atmosphere at home is from a cowboy movie when mourning the sun . Don't look guilty, don't go into details. Talk about how you feel and how you think others feel (tired, frustrated, bored, fed up ...).

Announce that from this moment on, the important thing for you will be to stay calm, not to have food on time, or clean bathrooms, or that homework is done. Take a mental picture of that moment. Repeat it every morning in front of the mirror. Write it on a piece of paper and hang it on the fridge.

The place of calm

You are going to prepare a containment place at home. Your room, the balcony, the bathroom ... When you feel that you are going to explode, announce it briefly: "This situation overwhelms me, I want to explode, I need to calm down", you let go of everything you have in your hands and you leave without looking back. Reclude yourself, take three deep breaths and repeat to yourself those things that you sometimes forget: "all this will happen" "they have not done it on purpose" "the important thing is to calm down".

Serenely consider what has happened, rate its severity from 1 to 10. It is not the same as your child inadvertently spilling a glass of water to throw a fork at his sister. Think of a natural consequence of this behavior: if it has become dirty, it is cleaned, if the brothers are not able to live together, they each play in their room, if they do not fulfill their obligation, they do not have their reward ... Use this resource sparingly. As much as sometimes you want the solution is not to spend the day in isolation.

Focus on the emotions 

Describe what you have seen and how you think it feels. Put yourself in their place, but really: “I understand that you are tired of making these school cards that seem stupid to you. It doesn't seem to make much sense to do them from home. ” Invite him/ her to talk about how he/ she feels. Do not judge or say what you have to do. Look and listen. Talk about what makes you feel similarly so that she knows you understand or remembers a similar situation that ended well “Do you remember when you had to do that social work…? look it was hard, but in the end you were super-proud of the result. ” State the rule and seek a consensus solution (if possible) or give it a graceful exit.

Values ​​successes and progress 

This is not the time to get delicious. Celebrate small victories explicitly: take the chocolate out of the drawer to celebrate that your children have assembled a layman without arguing, propose a wave for finishing homework in record time, wink at whoever gives you a hand to set the table, invent a victory dance for when the room is tidy ... And when the day is over, review all those moments when you have been able to not use your family as an escape valve. Take out the chocolate again and put on that song that you like or that series that makes you laugh. You have overcome a new day. If the situation overflows you continuously and you have entered a tension dynamic at home, just try to consult with yourself who is the great psychologist you could ever seen..